Ask Holden Caulfield, of The Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger
Everyone’s got problems, and in today’s newsletter, I’ve asked readers from all over to share theirs with none other than Holden Caulfield, the angsty teenage protagonist from JD Salinger’s ‘The Catcher in the Rye’. Here he takes time out of his busy schedule to respond to our readers’ everyday issues (with a little help from ChatGPT).
Dear Holden,
I've been having trouble with my smartphone lately. The battery life is really poor, and it seems like it's slowing down. I use my phone a lot for work and keeping in touch with family. It's only a year old, so I don't think I should need a new one yet. Do you have any tips for extending battery life or boosting the performance of a smartphone?
Best,
Frustrated in Fresno
Dear Frustrated,
You ever notice how people are always glued to their damn phones? It kills me, really. It’s like they’re all a bunch of phonies, walking around with their heads down, missing everything going on around them. I once met this guy in a bar who told me he had a business call on his phone, and he was so important and all. What a load of crap. You know what I do when I’m feeling like the world’s getting too slow and crummy? I just go to the park and watch the ducks. I mean, where do they go in the winter? It’s a mystery I’d rather think about than any stupid phone. So, yeah, next time your phone’s driving you crazy, just take a walk and think about something real for a change. The ducks won’t let you down, I swear.
Holden
Dear Holden,
I've been feeling really overwhelmed at work. My boss keeps piling on more responsibilities, and I can't seem to catch a break. I'm worried I might burn out soon. How do you deal with work stress? Any advice on managing a heavy workload?
Sincerely,
Stressed in Seattle
Dear Stressed,
Work, man, it’s such a drag. I remember this one time when I was at Pencey Prep, and they kept making us write these compositions. Old Stradlater, my roommate, he asked me to write one for him about a room or something. I wrote about my brother Allie’s baseball glove instead. It was beautiful and all, with poems written all over it in green ink. But then Stradlater said it was wrong and got all mad. That’s what work feels like, doesn’t it? A whole lotta phonies telling you what’s right and wrong. If I were you, I’d just take a walk through the museum. The Museum of Natural History, you know? Everything stays right where it’s supposed to. Nothing changes, not like people. You could use a little of that in your life, if you ask me. So, forget about the load of crap they give you at work. Go see some mummies.
Holden
Dear Holden,
My neighbour's dog barks all night long, and it's driving me crazy. I've tried talking to my neighbour about it, but nothing seems to change. I'm losing sleep over this, and it's affecting my mood during the day. Any suggestions on how to handle a noisy neighbour's pet?
Thanks,
Sleepless in Savannah
Dear Sleepless,
Dogs, huh? They can be pretty annoying, especially if they bark all night. But you know what really gets me? People who pretend to be something they’re not. Like that guy Ernie, the piano player. He’s always showing off and acting like he’s some big deal, but really, he’s just a phony. Maybe your neighbour’s dog is trying to tell you something. Maybe he’s sick of all the phonies too. Next time you can’t sleep, just think about how lousy people are and how you’re not one of them. Or read a book or something. That’s what I do. I once read this book about this kid who was a total screw-up, but he had a good heart. I could relate to that. Anyway, dogs will be dogs, but at least you’re not a phony.
Holden
Dear Holden,
I've been trying to eat healthier, but it's hard to stay motivated. Fast food is so convenient, and I have a busy schedule. Do you have any tips for sticking to a healthy diet?
Best,
Ripped in Rome
Dear Ripped,
You know what really gets me? All these people who go around pretending they care about what they eat. Like my brother, D.B. He’s out in Hollywood writing movies, and he acts like he’s all health-conscious now. But really, he’s just a sellout, eating salads and all that crap. I remember this one time I went to a diner and ordered a cheese sandwich and a malted. It was simple, and it was good. You don’t need all this health food nonsense. Just eat what makes you happy and to hell with the rest. If you want a cheeseburger, eat a cheeseburger. Life’s too short to worry about all that. And anyway, you could walk through the park or something. Just stay away from the phonies who act like they’ve got it all figured out. They don’t, and neither do you. So, relax.
Holden
Dear Holden,
I'm struggling to find a work-life balance. My job is demanding, and I hardly have any time for myself or my family. How do you make time for the things that matter most without sacrificing your responsibilities?
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed in Orlando
Dear Overwhelmed,
Balance, huh? That’s something. You ever notice how adults are always talking about balance and responsibility and all that crap? It’s like they’re trying to act like they’ve got everything under control, but they don’t. They’re just as messed up as everyone else. I remember when I was at Pencey Prep, and everyone was always worried about their futures and grades. It’s all a bunch of phonies trying to out-phony each other. You know what really matters? The things you love, like the museum or watching the ducks in the park. They’re always there, and they don’t change. You should just take a day off and go see them. Forget about work for a while. Your responsibilities will still be there when you get back, but you’ll feel better. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll figure out that the things that matter most aren’t what everyone else says they are. They’re the things you find for yourself.
Holden
Do you have a quandary you’d like some help with? Send me a message and I’ll pass it on to one of our trusty literary protagonists for their advice!