Ask Patrick Bateman
Everyone’s got problems, and today I’ve asked readers from all over to share theirs with none other than Patrick Bateman, the materialistic, psychopathic protagonist from American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. Here he takes time out of his busy schedule to respond to our readers’ everyday issues (with a little help from ChatGPT).
Dear Patrick,
I think I’m not assertive enough. At work, at home, nobody seems to pay me much attention or respect. It’s like I don’t exist! What can I do to get a bit more recognition?
Invisible in Indianapolis
Dear Invisible,
Recognition is about commanding presence, much like how a well-tailored Armani suit commands a room. Consider enhancing your wardrobe with pieces that speak authority and confidence. At Pierce & Pierce, visibility is often achieved through strategic positioning—like securing a reservation at Dorsia. Make your presence felt subtly but assertively, perhaps through strategic 'accidental' meetings or flaunting an elegant pair of Oliver Peoples glasses. In your case, I’d recommend a power move: assert your dominance through unmistakable gestures. Always maintain eye contact, and perhaps invest in a Montblanc pen—it’s all in the details. Remember, success is 90% appearance, 10% hard work.
Patrick Bateman
Dear Patrick,
I recently moved to a new city and I’m finding it hard to make friends. Any suggestions on how to meet new people?
Lonely in Luxembourg
Dear Lonely,
A new city is an opportunity to reinvent oneself. When I first navigated the labyrinthine social circuits of Manhattan, I did so with precision and an unerring sense of style. Frequenting exclusive clubs and upscale restaurants like Barcadia or Nouveau helped. Networking is crucial—attend high-profile events, art gallery openings, and be seen at the right places. Investing in a bespoke wardrobe will also make you stand out. Surround yourself with sophistication—preferably people who understand the difference between a cravat and an ascot. A slight detour: never underestimate the impact of a good haircut. Jean at Paul Labrecque is exceptional. Lastly, avoid people with cheap haircuts.
Patrick Bateman
Dear Patrick,
My partner never helps with household chores, and it’s starting to really frustrate me. How can I get them to pitch in more?
Exhausted in Eugene
Dear Exhausted,
Household chores are best delegated. Personally, I have a housekeeper, Sabrina, who handles such mundane tasks. But if delegation isn’t an option, perhaps consider restructuring your home environment to optimize efficiency—like installing a state-of-the-art sound system or a Sub-Zero refrigerator. Routine is key. Everything must have its place, much like my morning skincare regimen. Establish a schedule and stick to it meticulously. Have you considered investing in high-end appliances? A Miele vacuum or a KitchenAid mixer, perhaps. Lastly, ensure your partner understands the gravity of appearances. Sometimes, subtle reminders about the importance of maintaining a pristine environment work wonders. If all else fails, well, there’s always the option of hiring professional help.
Patrick Bateman
Do you have a quandary you’d like some help with? Send me a message and I’ll pass it on to one of our trusty literary protagonists for their advice!